The Barrier to my Mouth

A friend of mine was talking about this YouTube video they’d seen about this American and British student talking, where they mocked the American for their idiocy because when the American asked how much something was they replied in pounds, and the American said there must be a language barrier because the British person had given them the weight instead an another YouTuber commented saying that the only barrier was between her brain and her mouth.

The reason that I find this interesting is because I often find that I mean to say something but end up getting confused, either using the wrong word, not being able to think of the word or getting things the wrong way around. It’s odd because when I write I can usually write quite eloquently (please do not use this blog to testify to that) but when I speak everything goes to hell. I always wondered why this was: is it because there is more pressure when I’m talking because I can’t go back and change things or do I have a “barrier” between my mouth and my brain?

I’ve wanted to know if other people who are on the Autistic Spectrum have had similar difficulties speaking even when they are around people they are comfortable with and can talk to without reservation. Am I just a terrible speaker or is there a neurological reason as to why I’m unable to express what I mean verbally?

At least I’ve never said “Your welcome” instead of “Thank You” when someone gave me something – my sister did this once when she was younger and I haven’t let her forget it.

This is all for this blog which (thankfully) is not a spoken speech (spoken speech is a perfect example of something I might say),
A

Phones – destroying all hope of solitude

One of the most normal things people do in recent days is communicate with others using their phones whereas for me this is something I find really difficult. When I’m sending a text I always worry if the tone is appropriate¬†– is it too formal? am I using this text speak in the right context? – and I find that my texting pattern is quite often different (to my six contacts, five of which are close relatives and two are the same person but different numbers). Emoji’s are completely lost on me, I miss the days when ūüôā was appropriate but now its just a whole pattern of nonsensical cartoon people¬†and, apparently, faeces with faces.

Texting is bad enough, but actual phone calls are hell. I don’t know when I’m supposed to speak, how I’m meant to pick up the phone and how I’m meant to react. (To prove my inadequacy at this to you, I’ll tell you the story of when I accidentally picked up the phone to someone I didn’t know – five seconds after I said “Hello?” I hung up without another word, impolite but I had absolutely no idea how to respond.) When the phone call is finally over I never know if I’m meant to hang up or if they are, my stomach flutters and I hate myself for a few minutes after, always thinking that I shouldn’t have hung up for whatever reason.

Business phone calls are by far the worst, or when they ask you to fill out some form over the¬†phone and they¬†say “Are you a Mrs, Miss or Mr?” – I don’t know how to answer questions at the best of time, never mind when it comes to¬†that topic. Why can’t life just be simple, a dream land where¬†nobody talks to each other. Ah, bliss. Phones are supposed to be making the younger generation more antisocial but I’m doing perfectly fine avoiding people in real life, it’s only when you bring phones into play that I’m forced into confrontations. Though I have managed to avoid social media all together.

WordPress hardly counts as social media.

Anyway, I just woke up this morning (early afternoon – don’t judge me!) and decided that today I fancied ranting against phones and having to communicate with people. So here is my rant.
A

The Lost Land of Labels

I’ve always been jealous of the fact that everyone seemed to know who they were. They never seemed confused, or if they were, they quickly realised the answer to what they were asking about themselves. I used to feel like by the time everyone had their identity sorted I was only just beginning to question who I was.

My Autism wasn’t diagnosed until I was in my teens, I didn’t realise that I was asexual until my late teens and I felt nothing that my peers felt in that regard, and I’m still unsure about who I really am in regards to gender. I watch shows about transsexuals and I’m jealous because at least they know who they are and what they want, whereas I’m almost gender-neutral. Some days I feel more masculine, some days I feel more feminine and some days I don’t feel like either. It can be frustrating, questioning everything while everyone else seems so sure about who they are.

I’ve always wondered how other people realise the truth about themselves. Are they just born knowing “I like girls” or “I like boys” and “I’ma girl” or “I’m a boy” no matter what body-type they’re born with. Sometimes I’m envious of the days when you had to be the gender you were assigned and like the opposite gender if only because then there was less to figure out, even if you weren’t as happy.

I think my gender is always something that I’ve felt insecure about – I was afraid to act as either gender and somewhere along the way I lost who I actually am. Sometimes I prefer dressing in feminine clothing but feel more male. Sometimes I prefer dressing in masculine clothing but feel more female. And other times I prefer dressing as the gender I feel at the time and all these changes confuse and irritate me. I used to wonder why I couldn’t just be normal, but then I realised that if I were¬†normal¬†I wouldn’t be me.

I don’t know if the fact that I am on the Autistic spectrum affects my ability to know these sort of things or if this is simply something that’s due to who I am, but either way it’s confusing. I just hope that one day I’ll be able to recognise who I am ¬†to make things easier for myself and those around me.
A

My Inspiration of the day… the time I nearly hugged a stranger

Everyone writes for a reason and today I just felt so inspired and felt like I just had to write about it. I was on the bus in town and I saw a transwoman hanging around with all of her girlfriends and I was just like “Awww” and “Wow” at the same time because I know how hard it can be to dress the way you feel in public. I, too, have been on the receiving end of disgusted stared and painful jeers. Honestly, if I hadn’t been on the bus I might have gone up to her and given her a huge hug and just said “I’m proud of you” or “You’re amazing” or something cheesy along those lines.

Said woman would probably be grateful that I was on the bus because hugging a stranger in public is embarrassing enough – being hugged by a stranger while you’re with all your friends is probably the worst. Yes, tact is now my greatest strength, neither is self restraint.

I feel like whenever people see a transwoman or transman in town they are to quick to judge without thinking about how brave said person is to not only recognise who they are but to act on it. They are quick to avoid eye contact, or to laugh with their mates, some disgusting few even wolf whistle or make loud, inappropriate comments. I think it’s inspiring that people are willing to act out against the way they were born and become who they know they are and I hope that their bravery helps me to discover who I am and when I do I will stand among others and help carve a path to make sure that anyone who feels they were born into the wrong body feels save and able to change that.

I don’t advise that you hug every trans person you see, but mental hugs are totally cool. (Just be warned, googly “OMG so CUTE!” eyes while internal fan screaming often gathers unwanted attention.) All my brave Trans Friends out there, I’m sending mental hugs.
A

Autism vs Aspergers – the forever waging war

When I tell people that I’m Autistic I tell them that I’m on the Autistic Spectrum and so I get rather annoyed when people say that I have Aspergers. I don’t know if anyone else who is on the Autistic Spectrum feels this way but I have introduced myself in one way and so I feel that it is only polite to refer to me in such a way that I feel comfortable with. When others try to talk about my Autism or tell others about it and say that I have Aspergers Syndrome I feel like they’re trying to control who I am by labelling me in a way that pleases them and I feel constricted.

Aspergers Syndrome makes me feel as it I have a disease or illness – as if something is wrong with me when in actual fact I just think in a different way to other people. I don’t have some sort of syndrome which limits what I can do, instead I have a new perspective and a unique way of thinking. It’s not a life sentence but a new look on life. When I say I’m on the Autistic Spectrum it seems almost less clinical and makes it seem less linear – less, I am something therefore I can only do certain things and more I am a part of something which means that I can do things differently.

I don’t know if other people prefer Aspergers but I certainly don’t, and really, doesn’t this apply to every part of life? You would hardly like it if you told someone your name was Lizzie and they called you Elizabeth or Mike and they call you Michael – sure, they can call you other names but isn’t it only polite to call them what they want until you know they’re fine with the alternative?

The fact that I am on the Autistic Spectrum doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with me or anyone else who has a similar diagnosis, so please stop trying to give me a clinical term for what is wrong – I’m just different. And if you are reading this and aren’t on the Autistic Spectrum, but have friends or family that are, only talk about it when they are comfortable with it and please only call them what they want you to.

This may seem like just a rant but I simply don’t understand why those who are Autistic and therefore have difficultly changing should have to change what they call themselves and I just want to try to open a few peoples minds to make them more aware of how constricting it can be.
Changing the world one rant at a time,
A

Asexuality and Me

Everyone’s sexuality is different, it’s part of what makes us all unique. We all like different people and different things and even if we label two people¬†as having the same sexuality they are still going to have very different experiences. We may think that we are one thing, then one day realise we are another or our sexuality may just keep changing. Some of us may never truly know what out sexuality is – either because we don’t accept who we are, can’t imagine we are anything other that straight because of the environment we are brought up in, or we simply do not know which sexuality best defines what we are.

I suppose that is why I’m writing this. Ever since I was older enough to understand what ‘sexuality’ is I’ve been unsure as to which category I fall under since recently there are so many different sexualities which you are free to identify with. At first I thought that I was bisexual, because I didn’t prefer boys or girls, but then I realised that I didn’t like either in a sexual way. So, I did a little research and found the term ‘demi-sexual’ which I was told was when you only feel sexually attracted to someone you like. I had never really gotten close to anyone so I assumed that once I did I would like them, and called myself demi-sexual for a while.

This fitted, for a while, until I realised that when I thought about sex I didn’t want it and couldn’t imagine having sex with anyone. Whenever I fantasised about that sort of thing, I would always imagine it as a third party, looking in a two people (or more – but you don’t really need to know about that) and never participating. No matter how turned on I got, I didn’t want sex, I was perfectly fine on my own. That was when I realised that ‘Asexual’ probably better defined what I was.

Of course, upon realising this the first thing I did was to youtube the word ‘Asexual’ and I watched loads of video’s by Asexual people about Asexual people. I would not advise this, really, because I left more confused than when I started. One youtuber I watched had a very similar experience to me, and I could easily relate to him, however, another one stated that they never got turned on at all and thought that they probably never would and that’s why they were Asexual. Which, yeah, doesn’t fit me. After watching and reading lots more I realised that every Asexual person feels differently and there is to fixed category for what you and and that gave me comfort and confidence in my realisation that the sexuality which fitted me best was Asexuality.

I don’t know why finding a label for what I was became so important to me but I do know that now I know what I am and what society calls me I feel like I’m a part of something. I’m not just this weird person who doesn’t want to have sex with anyone – I’m an Asexual. I’m part of a community and there are others like me. I’m not a freak, I’m me.

That is why I get offended when people say that Asexuality is just the same as celibacy (no, they still want sex but are waiting ¬†– I¬†just don’t want sex) ¬†or that I simply haven’t met the right person (so did you not feel sexually attracted to anyone until you met your partner?) and I know that others in my community feel the same. Asexuality is a real sexuality just the same as being bisexual or gay and I hope that you can take it seriously too.

If you are struggling with your sexuality, although youtube can confuse you with so many different opinions, I would advise that you look at it because it has helped me to understand and accept what I am so much more.

I hope that this sexuality-themed blog has served a purpose to you (if only to ward off bordom)
A

Yes, I`m A (x3) – My First Post!

Hello, I’m A, and this is the first Blog that I have ever written. Exciting, right? Now, since you have taken the time to look at my (first ever) blog¬†I think that it’s only fair that I explain the ‘A’ in ‘A And Amazing’. For me, this represents my Asexuality, Atheist religion and the fact that I am on the Autistic Spectrum.¬†So, lets explore some of these idea`s and in the process you will probably learn more about the author of this blog that you are comfortable with.

Most of you worldly readers will know that Asexuality is when you are not interested in sexual relations. I¬†don’t want sex. Now, to clarify, this is not the same thing as being celibate or not meeting the right person – I simply do not want to have intercourse with another human being of any gender, and I probably never will.

Most of you who faced the pain of Religious Studies/Education at school will know that an Atheist is someone who does not believe in God, and that is one hundred percent true for me. I used to be religious but as I grew up and could think for myself I realised that religion just didn’t make sense to me and I stopped believing in a God.

Finally, the third ‘A’ that I am represented by, the Autistic Spectrum. I was only diagnosed when I was in my teens which either tells you that¬†I’m not very Autistic or that my parents are inattentive. To be fair, though, I think that with Autism, it quite often can go unnoticed as social anxiety or something similar, especially since most parents are unaware of what Autism is. For example, I function perfectly normally, but I struggle to talk to people from time to time, and that`s one of the only noticeable things, which can easily be taken for anxiety.

Since were being open and sharing here (okay, by ‘open and sharing’ I mean I`m writing this, my first ever blog, and I’m not really believing anyone is ever going to read this) I might as well tell you the final thing that you really need to know about me (and really, you don’t need to know anything about me) is the gender that I identify with. Currently, I’m still figuring out which gender I feel fits me the most, but currently, I suppose you could say I’m mostly gender fluid but I’m not sure enough about who I am yet to label myself.

So this is it for my first blog, I hope that you now know more about who you`re reading and I haven’t completely bored you with useless facts about who I am. If anyone has felt offended or angered by any of the topics in this (i.e. homophobic people, really religious people or people who for some reason don’t like Autistic people) then please click the little red cross in the corner. If any of you have felt offended by the language or terminology I have used then please tell me because I did not mean to be offensive and I will try to change it so that you feel comfortable.

Thank you for putting up with this blog-with-little-purpose,
A